Rain, Rain, Come to Stay

It's cold and gray and wet out. And beautiful. I think just about all weather is beautiful; sunny days with puffy blue clouds, dark thrashing storms, bleached saunas, shimmering rain... but gray days are my favorite. In the dead of night when a rustle in the dark might be an animated corpse shuffling closer, the next day the glaring reality of the sun sends all such thoughts safely back to the realm of fiction. An overcast day, though, is in between the two extremes, and it always feels mysterious, like magic is more possible now than at any "witching hour" or friday the 13th. Like I might just catch a glipse of a unicorn swirling through the mist, or goblin peeking from a tree branch. Nothing malevolent, like the fears of dark. Just a thinner line between the known and the unknown. Hey, what are you doing with that strait jacket? Shoo, I say.

I do get some magical feelings from sunny days, like when I sit in the July noon for an hour, sweat running down me, watching the tall grasses wave... It's medically proven that sun causes euphoria, that's why people get addicted to tanning booths. I heard it on NPR so it has to be true. I may have mentioned this before, it's just that I get a kick out of scientific studies stating what I already know: nature gets you high, man! Whether it's getting your zen on with a view, sun induced euphoria, or seeping fog tendrils teasing your thoughts.

Well, we're still in stage 2 water conservation, though the rain is here. And I guess when I say it's cold out, I'm forgetting Febuary when it was in the teens and twenties the WHOLE month. But it's not just me that finds this lovely weather nippy- check the Lillometer:

The thing on the window might say 50 degrees, but I'd have to guess even lower by Lilly's settings. Just what is that foot doing sticking out like that? She's curled up tighter than a hibernating squirrel, but she forgot her foot! I couldn't help laughing out loud at this, though I managed to control my louder squeals at her cuteness. She woke up anyway, untucked her head long enough to say "mra-mrow" at me, and then tucked her head right back in. Aaaaaahhh, yup, one more thing in nature that makes me literally dizzy with euphoric love and gidiness. My kitties!

Hiking with Cats and Pink Eleks

I guess when people stop by your house to make sure you're still alive, it's time to unplug the computer. Dad and my Stepmom stopped by the other day doing just that, and so we went on a hike. I didn't bring my computer. I didn't turn it off, though, either.
Pheonix came with us; here he is swatting a bug, heehee. Clarence was off strutting his stuff in the neighborhood somewhere, and Lilly wanted us to stay at home with her, so she went about halfway and then started meowing. The kittens are still feral around new people so they were scarce. It was so great to get out into nature, and awesome to show my hill to people. The weather has been beautiful, sunny, not too hot, and yesterday it was foggy and also beautiful. Yesterday when it was just me hiking, all 5 kitties came along. And ALL FIVE curled up in a row on a big stump with me. It was sooo cool, cuz normally Lilly only tolerates Pheonix, who only tolerates her and Clarence, who loves everybody. This time they set aside their differences to all hang out with me- guess it had been a week (ok, or two) since I went for a forest stroll. I am so fired!
And while I am happy to say that nothing bad has happened to keep me away, I'm a little embarrassed to admit that I haven't been doing anything particularly productive , either. Though I have been making almost daily rounds on the acorn collection, mostly I've been... well... actually my 'toon has been geting sloshed at Brewfest and making the pink eleks visible.

It's bad, people. One night I only got three hours of sleep before work because I was in this hectic dungeon with a bunch of friends fighting gnarly monsters. They just added a new game feature, too, where you can talk with any player on your headset in live time. I almost typed "ur" instead of "your" because its game slang. But hey, you know, sometimes I'm EVEN SERVING MY COUNTRY like today when I lent an ear to a real live deployed sodier who just needed to talk. I told him that even though I'm green party, he's a hero and he rules. He was stoked 'cause I guess sometimes when he comes home people give him crap, how messed up is that. Save the crap for Bush, I say. Ok that's not really serving my country by playing a game hahaha but, hey, I did help a soldier, even if I just cheered him up a little.
Anyway, once when I was a kid I ate an entire bag if reeses peanut butter cups, and I never ate one again, sooooo I think I'm a little overdosed on game now, heeehee. And if you can't tell by my running on and on, I missed this. I can't say I'll never play again, but I think I'm going to stop ignoring my peeps, my kitties, and my exersize, haha. Except I think I totally missed dinner at my Dad's yesterday because I was in a dungeon and then my brother-in-law and his wife AND friends stopped by and I had to interact with people not just in real time but in game TOO. Wow. I am such a dork. And did I mention I'm fired?
Ah well. Good thing I'm also an egomaniac. :P

Murderous Buckaroo

I found these black acorns on a hike today. They are so pretty. They don't look like the others I've been collecting, but I didn't see any different kind of tree where I found them. The green ones turn brown, not black, so maybe these ones have the plague or something.

I am so not allowed to hike without my camera ever again. I don't know why I even did. I was listening to a hawk calling out above me when I heard a crunching in the leaves to my right. I was on a little deer path, almost to the crest of a hill, and there, peeking over the curve of the mountain, was a buck. Less than twenty feet away. I held still, and he watched me, too. The cats were all up on their hind legs like meerkats. I could see the beautiful markings on his face, tan and white and black, and his antlers had three points each.

I heard more noise behind him, but couldn't see, so I think he had a friend with him. I thought for a second he might charge me, so he would look brave in front of his friend. I should have told him to leave my garden alone! Last night some of his breathren went on a murderous rampage, stripping the last of the tomatoes, glories, potatoes, and four o'clocks. They even ate some of my baby trees that they'd never touched before, dang forest cows.

I didn't yell at him, though. It was too cool just to be so close, deep in his turf like that. Then, just when Pheonix decided he wanted a closer look, the kittens decided this was WAY too scary and took off and up the closest tree. The crashing spooked the buck, and he too crashed away. I was able to see how big he was as he bounded up the hill, and was suddenly glad I hadn't pissed him off. He was HUGE!! I didn't see his friend, though I scrambled up the ridge for a better look.

When the noise of their dash had faded, I heard a far off mewing, and knew it was Lilly, who hadn't started the hike with us. She probably realized she was missing out, which she does a lot, and wanted us to go back for her, which, after calling for the spooked kittens and Pheonix, who was still stalking the departed deer, I did. She was so glad to see me that she jumped up onto my leg- ouch. She's a lil' booger, but I sure love her.

Next time I'll make sure I don't leave without her. Or my camera. The least that buck could do in return for the tender morsels of my garden is hold still for a few close ups. The murderous cow.

Acorns and Swan Gourds

Is that the fricken coolest gourd ever or what??? I had to get it even if it will only end up being a decoration (you can eat them, right?). There were so many weird ones at the store, but this one hooked over my arm juuuust right while I finished shopping. People kept double-taking and giggling. I don't blame 'em. This wasn't even the most hilarious one, and I wanted to get more, but that would be frivolous, and besides, I was starting to feel kind of silly walking around with this thing, and if I had THREE I might have started blushing with all the staring going on. I blush easily, and it is RED. Anyway, I'm glad I got it. It's sitting propped up on the counter and every time I look at it I just get a kick out of how weird and pretty it is.

Oh man, and speaking of people thinking I'm silly... yesterday around dusk I was out picking up acorns for the kitties. I was watching the ground, not where I was going, and had wandered up the neighbors driveway without realizing he was standing there watching me (it was the cool dad at least).
"Uh... what are you doing?" I suddenly heard.
"HAHA! Oh, heh heh, collecting acorns, 'cause my cats like to play with them...."
"OHHHH, I thought someone threw a bunch of money on the ground or something!" We both laughed, and he helped me collect some while we chatted a bit. Some times I get a WEE bit caught up in my own little world, but it was really funny. Money, heehee, funny stuff!

The Official (new) Plan, pt. 2

Okay, so here's the miracle. Not these flowers, although, come to think of it, they are kinda miraculous. Anyway, my miracle wasn't winning the lottery, in fact, I think it's better than that. I've been deep down in a blue funk for, oh, a couple years now. Land for sale I'd been watching was going from 20 grand to fifty grand, while my savings were going the other direction. Not that they were ever that high. My log cabin or yurt shrank to a two man tent. Although, I hear from a reliable source (Teryn! ;)) that yurts are darn loud in the rain. Make it a lean-to? But where would I PUT this lean-to? Dad's yard is beautifully landscaped, I wouldn't mind waking up to that everyday. What's that Dad? The zoning's all wrong? Haha, suuure. Kidding aside, I bet my dad would let me move in, and I bet my Granny would, too. But what I really needed was an escape with a future. And I didn't want to be a burden, financially, I mean. Like my faaabulous personality could ever be a burden! Psshht!


I mentioned when I got back from my vacation that I'd had all these mind blowing epiphanies, and boy have they been stewing at a low boil ever since. But none of these thoughts or the miracle would have been possible without my Mom and Potterman. An open mindset, and willingness for change, internal and external, are helpful in making this work, but it's those two who really offered me a miracle with open arms and hearts.
We went out for a walk together, my first full day there, and this was the view.
"This is where we'd put the trailer, and this is where your driveway would be."
"This would be your view!"
"Come look over here, this huge open part is where your garden would go!"
"This tree's dead, we'll have to take it out.."
At this point I couldn't say a word, because my throat squeezed all tight, and you know how I good I am at crying when someone is there to see- can't... do.. it...! I hope they didn't take my silence and looking away for disinterest, but it took a heck of a lot of control to not start bawling. I wanted to say thank you, so, so, so much, but to utter a word would be to open the floodgates. There was more:
"The plumbing would be no problem with where our septic system already is- you'd have your very own fully functional place."
"You'll get your own little propane tank, and that way you'll still be financially responsible for yourself..."
"Rent? NO! We love you, and besides, theres plenty of room, heck, we can ignore each other if we need our space. We won't even be able to see each other's places. It wouldn't cost us a penny more, just pitch in on electric, and internet and stuff."
OMG, there's even high speed internet???
"Plus you're more than welcome to do yardwork, and I really could use your help with my tiles, and I could pay you."
Are you sure? Are you really, really sure? You won't get sick of me? Okay, that last was a silly thing to ask, c'mon, I rule! But still, over the course of the trip, I had to ask them both, seperately and together, were they sure? Really? And I had to ask myself, too. Am I ready to just quit a job that, on the surface, seems like the key to a stable future? Am I ready to be just flyin' in the wind like that? Am I ready to try a different kind of independence, one where I allow myself to accept help from others without feeling like I failed somehow for not being able to do it all myself? Am I ready to move away from the area I have lived in since I was three, the place I grew up, the landscapes I love? And most importantly, away from people I love? That last one makes me get watery-eyed all over again. Of course, I'll also be moving TO people I love.
I have had a lot of time to consider, in fact, they let me know this opportunity was available a year ago, so it's been a subconcious idea for awhile. When I went, and saw, and heard... I realized how right it felt. I felt happy and alive and excited, and I still do. I feel hope. I know there will be second thoughts, and doubts, and worries, but I know it's the right decision, because the happiness and excitement and hope are ogres against tiny ants of fear. Fear of making such a gigantic change to my life. Ever since I made this choice, though, I've had countless moments of hope and relief and joy and wowness. I'm moving to Arizona!

Fricken Macken

Arrrrrrg I can't get my pics up!!!! Stupid free blogging service! I have an entire post written but must.. have... pictures!!! Ack arg doh! Trying some more.....

The Official (new) Plan

"Ting ting ting!" (fork thwacking champagne glass) I would like to make an announcement. Ok, well, I already told s11ome p1eople- how rude, my 1 key is sticking. Digression!!
'Ol haystack, aka Lilly the vicious killer, spilled water on my keyboard, and now the shift, control, and option keys don't work. In fact, let's just say that every typo is the keyboards fault. I have my old keyboard... which I spilled beer on and the 1, c, and b keys stick. Does that make me mama haystack? I just started calling her that, even though it's always been a trait of hers- tipping the avalanche that is the potential state of any horizontal surface in my house. The straw that, you know, with the poor camel and all. Okay, it's a roundabout way to her nickname. I bet she likes it better than Miss Fluffybutt, though. I'll take a picture sometime HAHAHA.

Ok, so, I have a 40+ hour a week job, with benefits, vacation days, sick days, and a retirement plan. I held up my end of the bargain, for 7 years now. The bargain being, work hard at a good job, get a home, start a family, and wave your American flag while eating apple pie and watching baseball. Yeah, obviously, someone pulled the wool over my eyes there. Not only do I feel betrayed, I also feel like an idiot for having believed it. I remember when I was an angst driven, spiked collar, THREE wallet chain, steel-toe boot stompin', black-only wearing teenager, and I was majorly pissed off because kids are raised on happily ever after, when life is obviously not so much. Somehow, though, I didn't equate the falsehood of fairy tales with the equally misleading and oversimplified american dream. Dumbass!

I feel guilty for feeling miserable. I know I'm lucky to have food, shelter, etc. But, feeling ashamed for being depressed doesn't help. Neither does imagining starving kids in Ethiopia or slaughtered families in Sudan. Actually, if that stuff DID cheer you up, I'd run away from you. I read those stories and I tell myself that I'm luckier by far than people like that, and how dare I complain or be unhappy? And if this job and this place are so awful why don't I just quit?!?!

Well, that WAS the plan. Save up for a tiny chunk of land, and go live in a tent eating bugs and leaves if only to get away. (Please, please not bugs.) Except that it costs SO much to live here that savings are as realistic as pink elephants. I've only seen purple elephants, so.... not being able to afford even the tent and bug escape plan, I was feling pretty hopeless. I was certain that the only a miracle could save me from a life lived out in one room apartments and being unhappy, and beating nyself up for being unhappy! And holy crap, a miracle happened. (Holy crap and miracle in one sentence, is that, umm, blasphemous?)

I have to go eat dinner now, lucky American that I am, so I will have to bleed your eyes with boredom for the rest of the story tomorrow. There will be much happiness, and pretty pictures! It turns out Blogger is just PICKY about which pictures I choose. These two were runners up. They are more expounding on the yay that is Arizona- a wild poppy and a herd of daisy looking things. Jeez, I didn't even make my announcement, I was so busy running my monologue. Tomorrow!

P.S. Thank you for making me feel like I'm not overreacting about neighborhood safety! Y'all make me feel all warm an squishy!! :P

I Love Statistics But I Hate These Numbers

On sale now! This fixer upper reduced to only $999,899!!

The median home price in my county came out today: $770,000
Homes sold for $1,000,000 or more: 21%
Homes sold for $600,000 or less: 17%
Average rental price for a 1 bedroom apt/ house: $1,100
Average rental price for a 2 bedroom apt/ house: $1,590
Number of husbands making income equal to mine I'd need to buy my own home: 3.8... or, I guess we could share a 2 bedroom house with another couple... or live in a studio forever... we'll put the bassinet on the counter between the toaster and the fridge! :D
Or if I get really lucky I could buy a red tagged "scraper" for $395,000, that is, when I have $80,000 to put down. I won't hold my breath. Tell me again why I live here?

Doesn't Brake For Pets

This is not a pretty, kind, cheerful post. Feel free to skip it. I try to only watch happy movies, and read happy things, and, in fact, write as positively as I can, because I think that's what this world needs most, plus escapeism is a high priority for me. I try not to be offensive, a whiner, or a downer. But fact is, sometimes stuff sucks, and sometimes we can't keep it all inside. I don't feel like I have any course of action available to me when things like this happen, except to record it.


This car doesn't brake for pets. I would like it if my cats stayed out of the driveway. I share it with the neighbor, so it dead ends at their house, next to mine. Driveways should be safe for cats, dogs, and children, and if I'm being too much of an idealist, I still think that cars should watch out for pets and kids MORE than the other way around, though critters and youg ones should still take care.
There have been countless times that I've been woken in the middle of the night by cars tearing down this driveway, revving the engine, and giving me an adrenaline fueled panic/ rage that becomes insomnia. The father is a very decent man, but his kid, well he's what reflects poorly on young adults, the stereotypical bad kid. His father has told me that he's at a loss for how to get his son in line.
I have never felt safe enough to say anything, not even tonight when I watched one of this kid's friends, driving this Mazda Tribute, not even touch the brakes for my cat. He was going fast enough that my heart started pounding fast and hard. I was standing right there, and he obviously didn't give a crap. Why am I too afraid to say anything? Because I fear retribution. I'm afraid that I will only come off as, well, a bitch. And that next time, instead of avoiding the brakes, maybe they will hit the gas.
I know this sounds like a pessimistic, uncharitable view of my fellow humans, but all I have to go by is experience. Tonight, my cat was quick enough, barely, to live. I've held a cat in my arms as he died vomiting blood, and I'll never know if he was accidentaly poisoned... or not. Will the next car be too fast? Will the next poisoning be accidental? What can I do? The only solution I have ever been able to come up with is to run away, far away, to where there are no neighbors. On the other hand, having to flee from a society that I have just as much right to be in, safely and without fear, as the next person, doesn't seem right. Hell, maybe I'm overreacting. But I'd rather act before I lose another furry family member, than after. Even if fleeing is the only answer I can come up with. That, and doccumenting it. So here's the record. I hope I never have to write one that ends worse.

Sixty Degrees and Raining Rodents

Oh the wonderous joy, it rained. It's been four or five months, and I had completely forgotten how incredibly wonderful and cleansing it is. The air smells so fresh, and the dust is settled. The plants are all heavy and drooping.
It's 60 degrees out right now, up from 50 when I went out this morning. I don't know if we'll get more rain, but it's gray out, which I love. We're in "stage 2" water conservation, whatever that means, but that's what the signs posted all over the 'hood say. We'd need about 40 times more rain to get back to normal. We're under a mandatory 20% water usage reduction per household rule right now, which disgruntles me. It would be one thing to give every one a set gallon per day usage, but a 20% reduction? That means the people who hose down their driveway everyday have to cut down to, what, 5 days a week instead? Whereas those of us who already conserve as much as possible should what? Umm, drink beer instead of water? (Ooooh...) I don't have a lawn. I use 3 watering cans every third day for my garden. I turn off the water while brushing my teeth- I know a lot of people just let it run. I'm registered green party, man! My car gets washed once a year! Ok, maybe I shouldn't admit that, heehee.

Anyway, I went out to just enjoy the beautiful day, and hang out with my kitties. I thought the rain would have knocked down a bunch of acorns, and it did, so I tossed some for the cats, all 5 of whom flocked around. Now, you know when you're hanging out with some one, and you see something cool? You point it out, because you want to share. When I'm out with the cats and I find something I know they'll like, like a feather, I call them over and point it out. Usually they have a good sniff, and that's that.

Well. I saw a dead rat, not rain soaked, so I guess fresh from this morning. I know, I know, I am so weird. And I wasn't really thinking ahead when I called over the kitties, especially the kittens, who are extra curious youths. I SWEAR I thought they would just sniff it.
But it seems that fresh rat is the best thing since sliced bread. Ok, eeeew, sliced bread and dead rat do NOT belong in the same sentence.
Guess who's not getting snuggles anytime soon?? I SAW where those paws have been! I tried to stop them, because, uh, germs much? Shudder. Yet I couldn't help laughing at the sheer exuberance Maggie and her sister Sebastian bounced around with.
I finally distracted them with acorn skipping and then shoveled a bunch of duff over the corpse. Poor lil rat. Oh gad, come to think of it, I'm glad they didn't actually start EATING it. Aaaaaand now I'm changing the subject. It's always good to be able to laugh at your own jokes, but to be able to gross yourself out? Why didn't I think of this BEFORE I pointed out the dead rodent?

Ah, well. It's a beautiful weekend, the cats are happy, I'm happy, even the trees are happy (I can tell) and I guess a little rodent toss is just part and parcel when you love cats. It's just going to have to be love from afar for awhile. Yuck.