Friday, September 28, 2007

The Official (new) Plan, pt. 2

Okay, so here's the miracle. Not these flowers, although, come to think of it, they are kinda miraculous. Anyway, my miracle wasn't winning the lottery, in fact, I think it's better than that. I've been deep down in a blue funk for, oh, a couple years now. Land for sale I'd been watching was going from 20 grand to fifty grand, while my savings were going the other direction. Not that they were ever that high. My log cabin or yurt shrank to a two man tent. Although, I hear from a reliable source (Teryn! ;)) that yurts are darn loud in the rain. Make it a lean-to? But where would I PUT this lean-to? Dad's yard is beautifully landscaped, I wouldn't mind waking up to that everyday. What's that Dad? The zoning's all wrong? Haha, suuure. Kidding aside, I bet my dad would let me move in, and I bet my Granny would, too. But what I really needed was an escape with a future. And I didn't want to be a burden, financially, I mean. Like my faaabulous personality could ever be a burden! Psshht!

I mentioned when I got back from my vacation that I'd had all these mind blowing epiphanies, and boy have they been stewing at a low boil ever since. But none of these thoughts or the miracle would have been possible without my Mom and Potterman. An open mindset, and willingness for change, internal and external, are helpful in making this work, but it's those two who really offered me a miracle with open arms and hearts.
We went out for a walk together, my first full day there, and this was the view.
"This is where we'd put the trailer, and this is where your driveway would be."
"This would be your view!"
"Come look over here, this huge open part is where your garden would go!"
"This tree's dead, we'll have to take it out.."
At this point I couldn't say a word, because my throat squeezed all tight, and you know how I good I am at crying when someone is there to see- can't... do.. it...! I hope they didn't take my silence and looking away for disinterest, but it took a heck of a lot of control to not start bawling. I wanted to say thank you, so, so, so much, but to utter a word would be to open the floodgates. There was more:
"The plumbing would be no problem with where our septic system already is- you'd have your very own fully functional place."
"You'll get your own little propane tank, and that way you'll still be financially responsible for yourself..."
"Rent? NO! We love you, and besides, theres plenty of room, heck, we can ignore each other if we need our space. We won't even be able to see each other's places. It wouldn't cost us a penny more, just pitch in on electric, and internet and stuff."
OMG, there's even high speed internet???
"Plus you're more than welcome to do yardwork, and I really could use your help with my tiles, and I could pay you."
Are you sure? Are you really, really sure? You won't get sick of me? Okay, that last was a silly thing to ask, c'mon, I rule! But still, over the course of the trip, I had to ask them both, seperately and together, were they sure? Really? And I had to ask myself, too. Am I ready to just quit a job that, on the surface, seems like the key to a stable future? Am I ready to be just flyin' in the wind like that? Am I ready to try a different kind of independence, one where I allow myself to accept help from others without feeling like I failed somehow for not being able to do it all myself? Am I ready to move away from the area I have lived in since I was three, the place I grew up, the landscapes I love? And most importantly, away from people I love? That last one makes me get watery-eyed all over again. Of course, I'll also be moving TO people I love.
I have had a lot of time to consider, in fact, they let me know this opportunity was available a year ago, so it's been a subconcious idea for awhile. When I went, and saw, and heard... I realized how right it felt. I felt happy and alive and excited, and I still do. I feel hope. I know there will be second thoughts, and doubts, and worries, but I know it's the right decision, because the happiness and excitement and hope are ogres against tiny ants of fear. Fear of making such a gigantic change to my life. Ever since I made this choice, though, I've had countless moments of hope and relief and joy and wowness. I'm moving to Arizona!


Teryn said...

Wowness, indeed -- that is a miracle! I'm really, really happy for you!

Her Grace said...

How exciting! And your new view is amazing! I can't wait to hear all about it!

Anonymous said...

YIPPIE!!!!!!!!! YIPPEE!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!YIPPEE!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!YIPPIE!!!!!!!!! YIPPEE!!!!!!! YIPPEE!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!YIPPIE!!!!!!!!! YIPPEE!!!!!!! YIPPEE!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!YIPPIE!!!!!!!!! YIPPEE!!!!!!! YIPPEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm getting all puddly here too........YIPPIE!!!!!!!!! YIPPEE!!!!!!! YIPPEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YIPPIE!!!!!!!!! YIPPEE!!!!!!! YIPPEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i love you! it shall be grand, i am so happy you are feeling hope again, so so so good!!!!!!!!!!! the kitties will have a blast and so will you (and me an (i love it!) potterman) and i admire your courage to take a hugh leap and your ability to know it is goona be hard.... was the best thing i ever did for my phyche n soul n health

love you baby doll, mumsish

Anonymous said...

i think that flower is redroot buck wheat, tall lovely white one and that prickely poppy on an earlier blog is southwestern prickly poppy not the m thang i said it was... i think the m thang isn't prickery, they are in ben lomond sometimes..... i have this wonderful az wild flower book i kept meaning to show you... its out of print so kinda hard to get, hope they reprint it... it is awesome... we had frost so lots o the yellow flowers are done but the redroot buckwheat is still a swaying in the wind... and those littl;e lime green thangs turned bright red~! i visited all the trees today and they are all doing very well, still have to plant a few, oh dear.....

ahhhh flower love! mum

Anonymous said...

AWEEEESOMMMMEEEEE!!!!! I love you SOOOO much Lara!!! I can´t wait to see you in January!!! I love you SO much.

That news has made my weekend.

yr little long lost sis