Thursday, July 5, 2007

Hermitgrrl has a bad day

Some days, cheerful yellow cucumber flowers are only about 5% of what you need. I banged the holy heck out of my funny bone, getting in the car for work this morning. It hurt :( . My instant thought was, "Oh, it's gonna be one of THOSE days", and then I immediatly thought to myself, "only because you just made it so by declaring it and giving that feeling power". Okay, I know I'm weird. I talk to myself, weirdly, and I argue with myself constantly, and worse, I'm mean to myself. What the heck! I believe in mind over matter, sometimes, but what about mind over feelings? That, not so much. I don't think you can choose what makes you sad or laugh, it just happens. And sometimes I confuse feelings with intuition. But what's funny is I completely forgot about this mornings premonition until just now, when I slammed myself in the nose with my camera. And scared the crap outta Clarence who the clawed his way out of my lap in his terror. Formerly feral woodpile kitties apparently never lose their "edge".
And that was just dessert. Out of my need to please, I offer this warning: leave now if you have enough troubles and dont need my complainin' :) Well then.. it was a nine hour, get paid for eight, day where I got yelled at and called names by a truly unintelligent customer. And to illustrate how bad it was, I will make my confession: I wished that BossLady was there. BossLady, known throughout the COUNTY as the pink slip miss, the one who caused over 40% of my office's workforce to retire or be fired her first year there (one even left under cover of dark), who introduced me to panic attacks, the kind where you think you might be dying, who causes my shoulders to permanantly reside at my earlobes, who could bring tyrants to their knees in short order. The woman who gave me the epiphany that I'd rather make minimum wage in a comfortable work environment that make the few dollars more plus ulcers. She is out sick, for a while, and I thought oh joy, I can finally relax in the workplace. And then there I was wishing she was there. Because while she is one tough bugger to please, she would have reamed the heck out of that ignoramous. She can't stand customers who want special, extra treatment due to illusions of higher worth than us peasly workers. Especially customers who are wrong, which was the only thing that kept me from breaking down at work, knowing I was doing my job correct and being in the right. When he started yelling about "reporting" me, I knew that I wasn't in trouble because I didn't do anything wrong like he claimed. Also there was that mean little voice in my head saying, "crying only gives him power"... where the heck do I get these things??? I wish I could just not care when people are jerks, but I do. It makes me feel like crap being talked to like that blankety blank did, especially because I'm not allowed to defend myself. All I could do was be polite, short about it, and leave. I don't care if I was the "bigger" person or what the heck ever. I just wish I could stop being disappointed when people don't share my standards for courtesy and politeness. CL says I expect too much, and that's why I'm always being let down in my human interactions. That's probably one of my top 5 reasons for being a hermit. I would never ever approch anyone anywhere as a troubled customer with anything other than calmness, even friendliness, so they know I'm not tryng to be a pain, I just want to work things out pleasantly.
You just can't expect people to treat others the way they would want to be treated. That's why all I want is a little chunk of land where I can shut out the MEAN MEAN world. My bosses will be old man winter and Lady Rain and Mother Earth. And my customer? My stomach! I need to go spend some more tme in my garden. And pet my cats. And drink some beer. And watch some Deadwood. Boy, I tell ya what Swearengen woulda said... or rather, what Woo's pigs woulda been eating. Heehee. I think that was at least worth another 5% towards a cure.


daddums said...

You are brilliant. You had a really bad day, then you had the courage and the wisdom to wax philosophical about it, to try to understand, and to cope. You found time when the day was done, to look in your garden and to search for meaning. What more can any of us do in this world of woe, so full of mean and uncaring, unthinking people. Wherelings and Whenlings and bastards, all. Leave them to their lot. They are not us. They will never know.

Maybe it is the phase of the moon, or the really really hot weather almost everywhere in the west (everywhere but here, for now), or some other cosmic event that we can't see or feel. Thursday, I too had one of the worst days at work that I've had in a while. Now I'm up in the middle of the night wondering why. So much suffering in this world. Maybe sometimes all we can do is trundle through the day the best we can, trying not to make it any worse for anyone else no matter who hard they make it on us.

That in itself is a decent goal - to lessen, even just a little bit, the suffering in the world. And maybe to make it just a little bit better place for our having traveled this way.

Who knows. I hope you rest well and that tomorrow is a better day.

Teryn said...

And have a beer. :) I argue with myself too -- only it's more like scolding. Your method sounds a little more productive.

Hope you have a better day today!

Anonymous said...

right on lara and rob!!!!!!!!!!!!! see there is a continuum of us that make the world a better place, the trick is too dance around the shit! not that i do that all that well; i just live in a tiny uncrowded comunity so it is easier.....

love you guys! gin / mom